She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
