You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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