if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
