dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
