He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
