No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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