Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
