hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
