I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
