Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
