you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
