Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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