Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
