Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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