Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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