I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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