you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
