he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
