I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Randomize
