she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
