just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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