I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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