Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize