did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize