you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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