Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
