Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
