I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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