I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
