I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
