We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
