Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
