He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Found your dick twin last night
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
