Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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