You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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