he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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