Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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