how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
