Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
