I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
