I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize