I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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