Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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