this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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