Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
