he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
