I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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