not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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