I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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