last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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