strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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