listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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