just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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