The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
