Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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